left in drafts for several months

 Well it's halfway through 2022 already. I can't believe it. I sometimes think about what I thought this year would hold and I can honestly say it's been none of it. Has it been a bad year? Not necessarily. Has it been a good year? Also no. It's been a chaotic neutral if anything. It has been difficult coming up with enough students, especially since I can no longer do dealings with Russians. They were a strong source of income. This war has been quite an experience. I've gotten hate for being a Russian sympathizer which is not accurate at all. I love the people there but I don't love the government that they are stuck under. Mostly I get responses from people asking why I like it there still and if I would be stupid enough to go back. The answer is still yes. I still like it there, I still want to go back. A calling is a calling and nothing that happens can magically change that. The war has devastated me. I've been at a loss for words most of the time it's happened and if people ask me about it too much, I will often want to just cry. I don't hate Russia for what's going on. I hate Putin. It's not the same thing. I feel loss. Loss in being able to go there. Loss in the lives of many Ukrainians and Russians. Loss in the way Russians are now treated. It's hard to watch and there's nothing I can do about it. I see a lot of similarities between my old church and this situation. There is one extremely toxic man who is hurting and destroying people. I see a board/EU/NATO who see exactly what's happening but are too spineless to ever actually do anything to stop it. There's too much effort put into appeasing the aggressor and no accountability is being seen at all. It's disgusting. I don't understand why I see so many men who are absolutely incapable of growing a pair. Why is it that women have had to step in and say that something is wrong? This makes no sense and is not how we were designed at all. I'm sick and tired of it. Be a man and stand up for what's right! Why on earth do I  have a bigger pair than you!? 

A Loss Of Perspective

 It seems I have a bit of a cycle between writing regularly for a while and then disappearing for a year or two. I’m not sure how healthy or unhealthy it is but alas… it’s who I am. A fair amount has changed in the last 3 years. I was a nanny for several years. I stayed with the Ally’s for about a year until I was in a pretty bad car accident. I’m pretty sure they think it’s my fault it happened and that I was endangering their kids. Not accurate but here we are. Following that, I ended up nannying for another family for a few years. A baby girl and three year old with cerebral palsy. It was a good time of healing and growth despite periodic arguments. It’s hard when you and the mom are very similar. However, the pandemic struck and she was no longer working in the school and therefore didn’t need me. It was a difficult position. I missed seeing the kids every day. Seeing the world with fresh young eyes. The world still has so much wonder when you’re young and it’s good to be reminded of how you saw it once before. I don’t currently work with kids anymore and in some ways I’ve lost that mindset. The California poppies turning the mountains a vibrant orange. The rain being a mystifying thing that comes from the clouds and is an occasion for your fun rain boots. Being excited to wake up from your nap and see what activity is next. This was obviously a loss when it came to an end. I later realized I was facing another loss, my ability to leave this country. I have missed multiple events in Russia due to the border closure. I began to feel trapped despite the large size of the country and became quite depressed. I’m aware that everyone else also gave up this freedom, though most use it for a quick vacation and then move on with their lives. To suddenly have a lifeline ripped from me was destroying me to say the least. I realized just how much Russia had become a part of me, my identity and mindset. The borders have opened up again and I’ve started to feel I can breathe again even if my visa expired during the closures. I know that I’m going through the process of renewing it and will soon be back on track. 2020 brought a lot of pain and change for everyone between losing loved ones from death and losing them to a national divide over vaccinations. 2021 was viewed as a chance for the old way of life but she has only proved to bring new issues of her own while keeping the old ones. Here’s hoping 2022 finally brings some relief though few of us still hold that hope. Not as hopeful or positive of a post as I would hope for but there’s something cathartic about getting your thoughts out in writing. Perhaps it will become a form of therapy once again.

Seasons of Change

I've been so incredibly busy this year and so much has changed. I haven't a moment to breathe and write. The beginning of the year was devoted to helping take care of my Aunt Tina until the night that she passed. It's still something that regularly weighs on my heart. Seeing the pain she was in when she was such a godly and loving woman. How can that ever be ok? Seeing and hearing the pain she was in just applying lotion to her dried out skin. How will cancer ever be ok? The answer is, it wont. It wont ever be ok that people have suffered at this level. It wont ever be something that I can come to terms with no matter how many times I have to watch it. My life and many other lives have been permanently changed. Literally the same day that my aunt passed, I met the kids that I would begin to nanny. They have quickly and fully become family. They have changed my life for the better in a time when I desperately needed it. I lost an aunt who I loved and valued deeply. I became a mother to my cousin. I finally decided to leave a very toxic workplace. Then came the Ally's, my lifeline. I finally have a healthy work environment that I love and look forward to going back to. I have skipped my first English Camp this year. We moved it to the fall instead of spring and I thought it would be hard on me that Im not going but honestly I'm so glad I said no. I spent probably about 3 months in Russia already this year and I'm burnt out from hopping back and forth. I need to find a system that can support that habit without totally draining me. I was in Russia for the summer and while there were a lot of awesome moments, there were also a lot of hard moments. I think it really changed my mindset and relationship with Russia. I don't think things will continue to be the same. I have no issue with the current ministries that I have partnered with in the past but perhaps I am beginning to be called in a different direction. It terrifies me and excites me to see that God is continuing to work with Russia and to begin to wage war with an entire country and culture. Bring it on.

No One

For many people it’s not worth their while to hide everything they’re dealing with. For others, they use everything they have in them to keep people from noticing. I’m the second. I grew up in an environment where I mostly had to raise myself. I had to be self sufficient at a very early age. My sister had pretty severe learning disabilities and a serious mental disorder. My parents had their hands full trying to take care of her. So I was mostly left to figure this out for myself. I learned quickly not to be an extra burden and to keep my problems to myself. I don’t blame my parents, they did what they had to do. Somewhere along the lines I took this mindset too seriously. I can not burden others with my problems. I need to be the strong one. Always ready to help others. I learned how to turn off my own emotions and my own needs for whatever I perceived as the greater good at the moment. What was once a coping skill and a defense against my situation, soon became a serious hinderance. I don’t know how to depend on anyone else. I don’t know how to not be guarded. Every time I’ve been open and honest, I’ve been burned. I survived my childhood mostly on my own,  I can survive adulthood the same way. I know I can get myself trough most things. What happens when I’m too burned out to be strong? What happens when I’m the one who needs help? Where do I turn to? Who can I really trust? No one. I am alone.

Breakthrough

A breakthrough in the psychiatric world is not necessarily a positive thing. To the general public it means something exciting has been discovered. For a psychiatric patient, it means your symptoms are breaking through the barrier your medications put up. This is something to always keep an eye out for as it can have consequences. Recently I was unfortunate enough to have a breakthrough with my medicine. It becomes so difficult to think straight. All you can focus on is your level of anxiety and depression. Everything becomes so clouded. Yes I used to deal with this daily before, but I'm not used to it anymore. It feels so much worse when you're no longer prepared for it. You begin to feel like you're losing your mind. However you feel the need to resist that fate and try to come out alive. It's all consuming and absolute pure torture. Your life falls apart before your very eyes all within your mind. You can't see a way for your misery to ever stop. So you take more medicine than before, just hoping that will somehow calm your mind.... and wait. 

A Crisis Of Reality

It's been several months since I've gotten on medication. The confusion has passed and I'm fully experiencing normal. However this was an earth shattering process for me. Once the first couple weeks passed and my body adjusted to my new levels, it was time to start processing everything. See it's a very strange experience to have everything in your mind change but everything around you hasn't changed at all. You start to see the world with a new clarity and calmness that you never had before. For me personally, that was extremely rattling. I had a crisis of sorts. Suddenly I started to see what normal people felt and lived like. I was in shock and so frustrated. Is this what you people live like!? It's a paradise! You have it so incredibly easy! I had to fight every single day to deal with the most basic issues. I had horrible anxiety over insignificant things. Confession: I had a full blown anxiety attack over the wrong dickens village being set up at our house. Normal people don't deal with these problems. I had to live my whole life with this undiagnosed while people enjoyed easier lives. Why had I waited so long to get help?  It's hard to understand just how crazy you were thinking until you take the meds and you're not thinking crazy anymore. It was a several month process for me to stop and look at every aspect of my life and decide exactly how I perceived them now. It was time to realize what was anxiety talking previously and what was reality. This rattled me to the core as I fought with my new logical reality and the chaos I left behind. It's hard to realize that only you are changing.

Passing Through The Tunnel

Adjusting to a medication you'll probably take for the rest of your life is a strange thing. The transition period is nothing I expected. Yes I knew there could be nausea and such while I was adjusting but I still was unprepared. What I experienced was nausea to where I was barely eating, jaw clenching where I thought I'd break a tooth, and so tired that I just wanted to sleep all day. The worst side effect by far was the foggy feeling. I wasn't able to process anything. Everything was through a long tunnel of me straining to process what was happening around me. My ability to translate Spanish back into English in my head was gone. With no cut and dry answer to what would be permanent side effects and what was temporary, this was incredibly discouraging. Would this be my new reality? If this low level of processing was how people normally lived, I didn't want any part in it. I preferred the anxiety. I decided to try half of the dose and saw a slight lightening of side effects but not enough to satisfy me. However I talked to others who take it as well and they encouraged me to push through. With each new day, the side effects slowly started to dwindle and the dark foggy tunnel slowly started to pass. After about two weeks I had returned to my new normal though I was unsure of what all that would mean. How did I know if I had reached normal or if I needed more or a different medicine?

My Medicated Life

   Kids have strange fears and thought processes. Almost every kid I knew growing up in California was afraid of tornados at some point. The threat of an actual tornado hitting our area being closer to zero. Some kids were afraid of dinosaurs even though they've been extinct for quite some time. Personally, I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of the rapture and all the horrible things in Revelations. I was afraid of earthquakes that they were going to crush me even though they were usually small. I was afraid of death and would lie awake at night as early as 6 or 7 years old having full blown panic attacks that I would stop breathing if I went to sleep. I am told these things are not normal. Pacing back and forth in your room and feeling like you're having a heart attack, giving yourself anxiety to the point of getting gastritis, and having adrenaline to the point of feeling like you might pass out were all part of my childhood. To me, this was normal.

   I was neurotic at best as a kid but most just perceived me as painfully shy or awkward. I didn't know how to handle a lot of things so I kept to myself and my family. As I grew older I found different coping mechanisms though most wouldn't be considered healthy. I learned to hide the anxiety and depression but I didn't deal with it. Gastritis and break outs, black out panics and blank stares. These were my adult reality when I was left to my own devices. I knew I could be anxious, my mom always said I worried a lot but the gravity of it was always lost on me. I would make it to work but anything else was too exhausting. I spent my days laying on my bed accomplishing nothing. Not having the motivation to try anything or care if I didn't. It wasn't until my last year or so that I've come to realize that these are not normal traits. There have been multiple factors over this time that have slowly made me realize that I needed to get help. Probably one of the slowest and hardest processes for me; deciding to make the appointment and talk to the doctor. Then finally swallowing that first pill.

Asthmatic Christianity

So today I relearned the meaning of the body of Christ or the church body. While I did go to church this morning, I did not stay for the lesson. It seemed my lungs were on a different schedule. I enjoyed the wonders of breathing treatments and steroids, got thoroughly pumped up. Shaking with excitement if you will. In the meantime I have a friend who's in pharmacy school and has been studying asthma specifically. So she was overjoyed to tell me what she's been learning. Things like the fact that asthma isn't actually someone not being able to inhale; it's a problem of exhaling. So CO2 remains trapped in your lungs. Over time I had forgotten that but I was able to hold onto that when Friday's original attack turned into a relapse today. A reminder to me that yes there is air in my lungs. The new information hit me as well. You see, most people don't understand that the aftermath is just as miserable as the attack. They think we get a breathing treatment, breathe better and move on with our lives. However this is not the case. After the horrible trembling finally calms and you stopped feeling quite so much like you drank a gallon of espresso shots, your body starts to return to normal. Enter: fatigue and pain. Consider how you feel after a very extensive workout, how your muscles ache and are fatigued from work they aren't used to. That is the case with asthma. When your lungs and diaphragm aren't enough to cause normal functional breathing, the surrounding muscles in your stomach, chest, neck and back have to pick up the slack. They all have to tense and relax in an unfamiliar way to force air in and out of your lungs. So your lungs, which have no pain receptors, are not the source of pain but the surrounding muscles meeting demands they aren't generally intended for.
Sometimes in life the lungs aren't  working so well. Maybe they are just worn out or feeling excessively reactive to something. They may not have pain receptors but they have other signs to tell you something is wrong. Pain among other things is a warning sign. It's not just Gods way of saying wouldn't it be fun if I created pain? It's how we know something needs help. Now each part of the body has its own particular job or function and for the most part they do it without complaint. But when something is not fully functioning because it has been injured or compromised in some way, other body parts will begin to pick up the slack. They work with the struggling organ and take on the extra burden while it heals. Sometimes it really is just the other organs who feel the strain of the new set up. Sometimes the original one aches alone. Either way, they remain a single unit and always do their best to help each other. Because the physical body truly understands what it means to be a body. It knowws no other option. It was built to work together. To always do anything necessary to thrive. The organs do not complain that the one organ is injured, they may be tired and sore from new stress but they don't quit cause they want to. They don't willingly let the other fall. You see sometimes your organs are smarter than you. They know that with one injury everything is off balance. They know they need every single one to be the fully thriving form they were meant to be. They know the affect of the entire body, to have just one small part struggle. So no, I don't think of my neck or back as important figures in my breathing processes. But sometimes even your lungs need their support to get them through a full blown attack.

Letters To Denise

I realize that I haven't posted in a while. I suppose it's been too hard to cope with. There's so many things I want to tell you about  from my trip but I know I can't. My trip was amazing. There were some hard times. It was probably one of my hardest experiences in years. I was so beyond worn out most of the trip. I know though that it was all worth it. There were kids who became saved and who's lives changed. I know that and hold onto that. Honestly, I feel like I didn't really do or accomplish a whole lot. Like everything that was done was done without my help or involvement. Maybe that's true. Maybe I could've done better. There were definitely times that I held back from not really knowing people or not knowing the system. I know next year will be better. There were a lot of cool experiences though. Like being able to answer some of Angelina's questions about Christianity, getting to spend time with amazing fellow Christians, and developing a relationship with Bryden. These are the things I want to share with you and tell you all about. I know they were the things that you lived for. Knowing that I can never tell you is probably the hardest. You were greatly missed on this trip but I know you saw from heaven and were just as excited about the salvation as I was. Love you, Teresa

It's Always Consequential

Well I've been back in Saint Petersburg for about three days now. I can't say that I have concrete answers to the questions in my mind but I still feel right about being here. Igor came and picked me up on Tuesday night and brought me to Elena's flat. I was so relieved when I got here. Wednesday was a day of rest and recovery. I was able to just sleep and then listen to worship for the day. So refreshing and I felt like myself again. The life was breathed back into me. Afterwards I was able to go to Dima's for a home study. It's cool to know that despite the language differences and cultural differences, you can always have a bond with others in the body. It was also a lot of fun to shock Daniel. He thought I was back in America and yet he stepped out of his bedroom and there I was. It was a great study time and I was reminded of a lot of truths. I walked back with one of the girls and enjoyed spending some time with Elena in her flat. Yesterday was also really nice. I was able to spend some time with Anya and we walked around downtown. I finally saw the church of spilled blood, the park, rabbit island, and back to the hermitage. It was a really pleasant walk and there was so much good discussion. She actually knew my church in Moscow, I couldn't believe it! After Anya I met with Angelina. We went searching for the mysterious carls jr and finally gave up and went to some soviet cafe. I can't say that on the surface we did anything special but it was time well spent. She is a brand new Christian and it was so cool to be able to answer some of her questions and share with her. I hope to be able to develop this relationship further. Who knows, maybe I came back to St Pete just for last night. Just to create a bond with a young russian girl. Sometimes our callings are incredibly exciting and sometimes they seem inconsequential. However, if it's Gods calling and He ordained it, it's always consequential. The human world doesn't always show the magnitude of our decisions in the spiritual world. I may never know for sure if she is why I came back or not but I'm glad for the opportunity either way. Tonight I will go to an Easter play with some of the students. Most of them don't know I'm here which will be fun. I'm excited to see how the kids respond to the play, it's another opportunity to open up with them and have them do the same. Prayers for tonight and tomorrow will be appreciated. It's another opportunity for movement and growth but with that comes warfare. Pray for protection for us but also openness and a willing heart in the kids.

God of This City

The city continues to amaze me. I can't even wrap my mind around it. There is so much beauty in the architecture and the people are much more kind. Sometimes I wonder if the people who live here see it too. I assume it's something like the ocean for us. The beach is beautiful and fun but it's average and everyday for me. The Russians come out and are amazed by it. They can't peel their eyes away and yet I find it commonplace. It's probably the same for the Russians here. I see the Italian style architecture and am amazed. I see incredible cathedrals and can't image having a church that was that beautiful. We become accustomed to whatever is right around us. But for now, Saint Petersburg is anything but commonplace for me.  The same applies to the spiritual world. The fight is strong in this place. We become immune to the battles around us sometimes.  I know that often we don't feel anything in our hometown. We are used to our own specific battles. However, to walk into someone else's is always eye opening. Saint Pete is an incredibly dark city. I'm not sure of what the specific reason is but it's palpable. I've experienced some of the strongest warfare here. There is a part of me that hates that fact but I know that there is only warfare when there is a fight. If you've already surrendered, the enemy won't bother trying to destroy you. You send your strongest and sneakiest men to your weakest points. You fight the most fiercely when you fear demise. I believe that is the case in this city. There is movement and growth that is happening and gaining strength and it's rippling through the forces. There is no amount of ambush, terrorizing, and demoralizing that can possibly stop the strength and desires of God. He is the God of this city and will continue to be even in the midst of the darkness.  "Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city. "

A Life Devoted

     Well I arrived in Saint Petersburg last night. Today is my first full day back. I can't even express the level of relief I feel. I feel like I can finally breathe again. That I was in a constant state of drowning and struggling while I was in Moscow. I suppose it's the price of not being where you are supposed to be. I am so grateful to have been able to see my friends again but am relieved to be out of there. This trip has been the most dramatic for me in many respects. Some of my highest highs and lowest lows. Moscow literally made me feel like I was losing my mind. My emotions and thoughts were so out of control, I couldn't grasp reality. At camp I felt the sting of the loss of a friend so much stronger than I've ever experienced. To be at camp and know I can never tell her about it. To never be able to share the successes and changes in students lives literally knocks the wind out of me. There's still many days here that I try to hold back the tears as that reality strikes me again. I'm reminded of what an amazing mentor and leader she was though and it inspires me to strive to be that for these kids. She was always there, always ready to be a shoulder, always ready to bring you into her home regardless of the time. So excited to pray, read and praise with you at a moments notice. I want to be that for others. I want to be the next Denise. So I wear her necklace as a reminder of what a life devoted to others looked like.

Great Expectations

Well I have officially been in Moscow 3 days. I came with high expectations to see all my friends again and just be able to hangout. Have a carefree break after the missions trip if you will. However that isn't what I have experienced. There is something so deep within me that has just completely snapped. Moscow is no longer my home, it isn't the place I left. I am happy to see some of my friends again but I know this is no longer my place. Something so strong within me continually pulls at me while I'm here. There is a tether on my spirit and my heart that is consistently being pulled harder and harder. I can no longer stand it. I have to go back. Saint Petersburg is now my place for the next week. I will return to the call that both terrifies and thrills me. I don't know when I will fly, I don't know where I'll stay, I don't know what I'll do; but I know I need to do it. To walk into the unknown and just travel in faith is difficult for me but I'm ready to take that step. God will travel with me and He'll be waiting for me on the other side when I land.  There is so much of this whole experience and decision I don't understand. Why not Mosccow? Why can't I return to my old home and old life? Because I am not the old me. The old me is dead and gone, lost somewhere in the sea. The new me is alive and thriving  and ready to jump into the violent warfare that will most likely surround me.

On Bypass

Written March 23

Russia. The motherland if you will. It is an incredibly dark and cold place. Corruptions are all around along with the depression of the youth who carry the burdens of a difficult life. It is not considered a destination spot for most Americans; snow and communism aren't desirable. Similarly the language is considered harsh or ugly. So by appearance my decision to go there is foolish, reckless even. However, there is a hunger for the truth and for deep personal relationships here that is entirely unmatched by the American population. The people are loyal, the language is vivid, the fire within them burns bright, and they are open to new experience. The winter may be cold and dark, but soon there is spring and summer filled with tulips and green trees. So people may ask why sometimes I feel that my life is on pause until I return to Russia but that's ok. You see, while in the states my body remains on bypass, a moment of rest and waiting. Then time comes to return to the motherland and the bypass is turned off and the heart begins to pump full and strong once again.

Reasons Not Included

Well yesterday the inevitable happened. I was sat down by the pastors I've slowly grown to despise and told that I needed to step down. I really appreciate the lack of reason as well. That was really helpful. Really biblical too. We all know the reason, you don't want to deal with the conflict with crazy people. Yes, clearly I am the one that needs to step down. The one who actually does her job and gives a crap about the kids. Well you got your wish dear spineless pastors, I'm gone. You will no longer have the one person fighting to keep this afloat. Do you know what happens when a youth group collapses? The church does. Enjoy your church taking another step towards the grave. You've been enjoying that downward spiral for a while. You chose an entitled problematic parent  over your leader whom you've known over 20 years. So don't sit there and continually tell me you love me. Bull crap! Actions show love not that phrase. Your actions have told me otherwise for a long time. Love is showing respect. Love is having loyalty and someone's back. Love is not flip floppig on them all the time. This? This crap that you've been showing me and putting me through? That's not love. So spare me the I love you speech because we both know it's not true. That's you saving face so that I don't go ballistic on you and start throwing the truth back in your face. You don't want the truth though you want peace. Because you don't want the truth, you don't want to see what a mess is under the rug. Because what's under the rug exposes your poor decision on the youth pastors. Well there's a mold under that rug and it's growing. You ignoring the mold just allows it to strengthen and eventually it's going to take over the house and it will be destroyed. You want to know the best part? I won't be there to take the fall for it. It will all be on you. You continually acted like I contributed nothing. Like I was always the problem. Well time will tell won't it? The truth will come out and you all will be exposed for the apathetic failures you are. Now that, that's a show I'm ready to see.

My Sandcastles Spend Their Time Collapsing

Grief is a strange thing. It comes and goes. It's like you are a sandcastle on the shore and the grief is the waves. There are times when you can see it a short distance from you. There are times when it comes in and sweeps a circle around you. Then there are the times that it comes with extra strength, and surges right over you. Suddenly you've lost some of your shape. You are a soaked pile of mud waiting for that child to turn you back into a castle again. Grief comes in waves. At times that may seem like a good thing, to have that break in between the rounds. However, they are most deadly when there's been a decent calm before. The wave has had time to build strength and you had forgotten about it's existence while it left you alone for the moment. But grief is never gone. It lurkes and waits for those opportune moments. However , just like a storm, it will slowly lose strength. The waves will become farther apart. They will become smaller and smaller until finally the glassy finish of the bay has returned. So I wait. For the calm after the storm.

Angry and Aggressive

Aggression. I've been accused of it on multiple occasions. Why are you so angry? Why are you so aggressive? You. The answer is you. I've been told it's common for short people to be extra aggressive to compensate for their size. A Napoleon complex if you will. The truth is I wasn't always this way. I was optimistic and believing as kid. Even into my early 20s for the most part. I always tried to be nice and calm with people first. To simply reason with them. However, after years of being picked on, not listened to, and pushed aside; I've begun to push back. I am actually a rational and calm person by nature, contrary to what people probably believe. They only see the end result when I've taken all I'm going to take and I fly into a rage. One of my primary triggers is actually the church. See, I've been a leader for about 9 years now. For about 9 years I haven't been listened to. Perhaps I was listened to but not acted upon because of my age. "Let no one despise you for your youth." I was in my early 20s, how much could I possibly know? I know a lot more than you may think. All those years I was closely watching, observing everything. I knew every kids triggers, their enemies, friends, how their parents work with the church, when something in their eyes said they weren't quite right, even down to where each of their belongings were at camp. I observed. I observed my superiors as well. Each situation that came around, each comment they reacted to, each frustration, I knew how they worked and how to portray things to them. I knew how to reason with them, which I only used when I saw a problem. Maybe it really was my height that was working against me. Maybe it was causing people to forget that I wasn't a child anymore. I was certainly treated as one. I was burnt out. I had worked years to gather respect. To only bring the leadership problems if I wasn't sure what to do about them. I took all the hits. Ever notice how it's been easier for you over the years? Seemed mostly calm? That was all me. The problem was that every time a problem was brought to them, it was already to the point where things needed to be dealt with. They never see the build up. Then nothing is done. Maybe I was able to reason with them and show them a problem but there was never any action. Just ignoring of problems. Over and over and over again. I had enough. I started fighting. I fought back mildly at first assuming that their avoidance of conflict would be enough to cause action. I was wrong. I fought harder. Suddenly a couple things got done. Clearly this was the only way to force necessary activity. I don't fight against something hard unless I truly believe with all of me that it's a serious issue. I would think that would be communicated by now. No.  Now I am an aggressive. Angry. Concerning and scary  threat that needs to be brought under control. I tried to work with you calmly and you won't do your jobs and do what's best for these kids. So what's the problem? You. You brought this war on yourselves. I don't want to fight and I'm tired. You people wear me out. If problems were ever dealt with correctly the first time, maybe neither of us would be in the spots we're in now. Because now, now, I am angry and aggressive and I can't turn it off. And it's all still aimed at you.

The Electric Chair

The church. It continually amazes me the complexities of politics and drama that people deem acceptable. Sometimes I long for the days when I was still wide eyed and believing. The reality is that behind the curtain you see a small man controlling the contraption and pretending to be Oz. There is no wonderfully perfect pastor running things. There is no glamorous church. There is simply a mess of people trying to run an organization and often failing. When I was younger I watched church split after church split. I saw multiple leaders leave angry and never look back. I couldn't understand how this could be happening. How could there be so much betrayal of my pastor? Now I'm one of those leaders. I now work behind the curtain. I can't say I admire what I see. I am the events coordinator and have been successful in my endeavors. However, I still do not gain the support of my superiors. False promises to have my back flow out like lava; attractive to look at but painful to the touch. Those moments that I do have support aren't even true because they don't even agree with me. I have come to the point where most of the time I don't want to see anymore. Don't want to be involved. There has to be more somewhere else. Somewhere that I can still help the youth and not be continually undermined by the staff. I've been very serious about leaving the last year. Hoping to break free of my prison. However the youth, my kids, keep my butt and my heart glued to my electric chair.

A New Slate

Well it seems this year has come to an end. While there have been some really hard times, there have been some really good times as well. The end of the year has brought the unexpected. It has been incredibly difficult to lose Denise. She was a fixture in my life since I was born. Being there for the actual passing was something I never wanted to experience but I knew I was called to be there for Jeni. In the end it did cause something that I know Denise would be happy to see. I reunited with an old friend. We were close as small kids and not so much in high school. I think she thought I was a total dork, which in fact, was true. Then we didn't talk after we graduated. All of this caused my calling to feel all the more strange. I know I made the right decision though in running to the side of someone I hadn't been close to in almost 10 years. Hopefully it will develope a new lasting friendship, which we all know I need. Today was our first time hanging out just us and it seems to have gone pretty well. The other unusual event for today was that when I got out of my bed and looked out the window of my sunny Southern California home, I saw snow. Yes snow. There was no explaining the strange phenomenon but it was kind of fun to have such a change. It was a blast from the past. It brought back memories of waking up in my Moscow flat, turning on the kettle for tea, and then walking to the metro in the latest dusting of snow from the night. It was an unusual way to end the year but I wouldn't have it any other way. We got a clean slate and are able to start the new year fresh and white as snow.