A Loss Of Perspective

 It seems I have a bit of a cycle between writing regularly for a while and then disappearing for a year or two. I’m not sure how healthy or unhealthy it is but alas… it’s who I am. A fair amount has changed in the last 3 years. I was a nanny for several years. I stayed with the Ally’s for about a year until I was in a pretty bad car accident. I’m pretty sure they think it’s my fault it happened and that I was endangering their kids. Not accurate but here we are. Following that, I ended up nannying for another family for a few years. A baby girl and three year old with cerebral palsy. It was a good time of healing and growth despite periodic arguments. It’s hard when you and the mom are very similar. However, the pandemic struck and she was no longer working in the school and therefore didn’t need me. It was a difficult position. I missed seeing the kids every day. Seeing the world with fresh young eyes. The world still has so much wonder when you’re young and it’s good to be reminded of how you saw it once before. I don’t currently work with kids anymore and in some ways I’ve lost that mindset. The California poppies turning the mountains a vibrant orange. The rain being a mystifying thing that comes from the clouds and is an occasion for your fun rain boots. Being excited to wake up from your nap and see what activity is next. This was obviously a loss when it came to an end. I later realized I was facing another loss, my ability to leave this country. I have missed multiple events in Russia due to the border closure. I began to feel trapped despite the large size of the country and became quite depressed. I’m aware that everyone else also gave up this freedom, though most use it for a quick vacation and then move on with their lives. To suddenly have a lifeline ripped from me was destroying me to say the least. I realized just how much Russia had become a part of me, my identity and mindset. The borders have opened up again and I’ve started to feel I can breathe again even if my visa expired during the closures. I know that I’m going through the process of renewing it and will soon be back on track. 2020 brought a lot of pain and change for everyone between losing loved ones from death and losing them to a national divide over vaccinations. 2021 was viewed as a chance for the old way of life but she has only proved to bring new issues of her own while keeping the old ones. Here’s hoping 2022 finally brings some relief though few of us still hold that hope. Not as hopeful or positive of a post as I would hope for but there’s something cathartic about getting your thoughts out in writing. Perhaps it will become a form of therapy once again.