A New Slate

Well it seems this year has come to an end. While there have been some really hard times, there have been some really good times as well. The end of the year has brought the unexpected. It has been incredibly difficult to lose Denise. She was a fixture in my life since I was born. Being there for the actual passing was something I never wanted to experience but I knew I was called to be there for Jeni. In the end it did cause something that I know Denise would be happy to see. I reunited with an old friend. We were close as small kids and not so much in high school. I think she thought I was a total dork, which in fact, was true. Then we didn't talk after we graduated. All of this caused my calling to feel all the more strange. I know I made the right decision though in running to the side of someone I hadn't been close to in almost 10 years. Hopefully it will develope a new lasting friendship, which we all know I need. Today was our first time hanging out just us and it seems to have gone pretty well. The other unusual event for today was that when I got out of my bed and looked out the window of my sunny Southern California home, I saw snow. Yes snow. There was no explaining the strange phenomenon but it was kind of fun to have such a change. It was a blast from the past. It brought back memories of waking up in my Moscow flat, turning on the kettle for tea, and then walking to the metro in the latest dusting of snow from the night. It was an unusual way to end the year but I wouldn't have it any other way. We got a clean slate and are able to start the new year fresh and white as snow.

Only Trying To Function

I suppose I haven't updated in a while. Almost a month actually. There's probably things that are in my mind lately that I could get out but I think mostly I've chosen not to feel. Gone to a certain level of defense. A couple of days ago, I was watching tv and one of the characters died. Now it was a male and he died in a car crash. Both of which aren't applicable to my situation. However, that simple episode was more than I could bare. I couldn't handle the sight of someone dying even if it was fake. It was too close to home. To fresh.  I attended the funeral about a week or two ago. There was a great turn out. The mass amounts of people I always knew she would attract. It was a relief to see that. To know that all those people she reached out to were still there. They were still affected by her. It's good to know that people cared. I was able to be there for her oldest daughter that I've known my whole life. I was there when she actually passed. I do not regret that.  I know that Jeni needed me there. However, I can't forget the misery and torture that whole experience was. Always knowing that it wasn't a peaceful passing. Even now it's hard to talk about and not break down. I've lost several people just in the second half of this year and I'm worn out. I'm at a place where I don't want to bond with new people and open myself up to that pain again. I suppose I have to eventually. For now though , I will dive whole heartedly into the lock in and other events. I will hold onto the distraction and hope that I will eventually feel and function again.