Only Trying To Function

I suppose I haven't updated in a while. Almost a month actually. There's probably things that are in my mind lately that I could get out but I think mostly I've chosen not to feel. Gone to a certain level of defense. A couple of days ago, I was watching tv and one of the characters died. Now it was a male and he died in a car crash. Both of which aren't applicable to my situation. However, that simple episode was more than I could bare. I couldn't handle the sight of someone dying even if it was fake. It was too close to home. To fresh.  I attended the funeral about a week or two ago. There was a great turn out. The mass amounts of people I always knew she would attract. It was a relief to see that. To know that all those people she reached out to were still there. They were still affected by her. It's good to know that people cared. I was able to be there for her oldest daughter that I've known my whole life. I was there when she actually passed. I do not regret that.  I know that Jeni needed me there. However, I can't forget the misery and torture that whole experience was. Always knowing that it wasn't a peaceful passing. Even now it's hard to talk about and not break down. I've lost several people just in the second half of this year and I'm worn out. I'm at a place where I don't want to bond with new people and open myself up to that pain again. I suppose I have to eventually. For now though , I will dive whole heartedly into the lock in and other events. I will hold onto the distraction and hope that I will eventually feel and function again.