A New Slate

Well it seems this year has come to an end. While there have been some really hard times, there have been some really good times as well. The end of the year has brought the unexpected. It has been incredibly difficult to lose Denise. She was a fixture in my life since I was born. Being there for the actual passing was something I never wanted to experience but I knew I was called to be there for Jeni. In the end it did cause something that I know Denise would be happy to see. I reunited with an old friend. We were close as small kids and not so much in high school. I think she thought I was a total dork, which in fact, was true. Then we didn't talk after we graduated. All of this caused my calling to feel all the more strange. I know I made the right decision though in running to the side of someone I hadn't been close to in almost 10 years. Hopefully it will develope a new lasting friendship, which we all know I need. Today was our first time hanging out just us and it seems to have gone pretty well. The other unusual event for today was that when I got out of my bed and looked out the window of my sunny Southern California home, I saw snow. Yes snow. There was no explaining the strange phenomenon but it was kind of fun to have such a change. It was a blast from the past. It brought back memories of waking up in my Moscow flat, turning on the kettle for tea, and then walking to the metro in the latest dusting of snow from the night. It was an unusual way to end the year but I wouldn't have it any other way. We got a clean slate and are able to start the new year fresh and white as snow.

Only Trying To Function

I suppose I haven't updated in a while. Almost a month actually. There's probably things that are in my mind lately that I could get out but I think mostly I've chosen not to feel. Gone to a certain level of defense. A couple of days ago, I was watching tv and one of the characters died. Now it was a male and he died in a car crash. Both of which aren't applicable to my situation. However, that simple episode was more than I could bare. I couldn't handle the sight of someone dying even if it was fake. It was too close to home. To fresh.  I attended the funeral about a week or two ago. There was a great turn out. The mass amounts of people I always knew she would attract. It was a relief to see that. To know that all those people she reached out to were still there. They were still affected by her. It's good to know that people cared. I was able to be there for her oldest daughter that I've known my whole life. I was there when she actually passed. I do not regret that.  I know that Jeni needed me there. However, I can't forget the misery and torture that whole experience was. Always knowing that it wasn't a peaceful passing. Even now it's hard to talk about and not break down. I've lost several people just in the second half of this year and I'm worn out. I'm at a place where I don't want to bond with new people and open myself up to that pain again. I suppose I have to eventually. For now though , I will dive whole heartedly into the lock in and other events. I will hold onto the distraction and hope that I will eventually feel and function again.

And Then It Begins

There's a lot that goes on in the slow passing of a loved one. There's the long days after the sleepless nights wondering when it's going to happen. You want them to pass for their sake. You don't want them to suffer any longer but at the same time you are selfishly wishing them to stay on this earth. You can't stand to see them lay in misery. You look at this strange shell that you know isn't them. Like they aren't really there. Somehow moments happen though where they actually respond to what you're saying. You know they actually hear you. What do you say to someone who isn't fully there anymore? Do you work on making your peace with them? Do you remind them of funny moments you had together? What will you regret not telling them? What can you possibly say to the family who is definitely feeling it far worse than you ever could be? I try to be here and available for the family but I know it will never be enough. It will never take away their pain. It will never bring their mother back. I will never be able to be what they need. I know that they need the little I can give them though and so it'll have to be enough for now. I experienced several deaths of loved ones but this is the first time I've been around for it. I always grieved at home. This is so much worse. This prolonged torture constantly wishing she would just stop fighting. That she would just give up and stop breathing. I will know I was there though for the most glorious moment of her life. The moment it ends. And then it begins.

And So I Return

It seems I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy making scarves for the last two weeks. Seems blogging is difficult to do when my hands are full of yarn and needles. However, it's a price I'm willing to pay since it's paying towards my upcoming trip. I've been asked to return to Russia this spring and I couldn't be happier. There are times when it's hard. It's going to be hard to leave Josh for so long. Hard knowing I have lost guys in the past over it. I know that if it's right though, it will last. So much of the time I still can't believe this is happening. That I'm actually going back. It's been a long time. I know that the Moscow I remember from 4 years ago won't be the same. There has been so much change and growth. The skylines I see online now aren't ones I recognize. I know though that this is a place that will always hold a part of me. That connection still remains. I still dream in runglish after all these years. It's ingrained so deeply that there are times I only remember the Russian word and not English. This is quite the feat considering my subpar Russian. Once again though it is time to return to the motherland.  Скоро Рассия любов моя.

Opinions

I've come to the realization that you're never immune to the things people think about you. Sure you grow older and opinions begin to fade away, but they never disappear. Sometimes I look at my boyfriend. He's so clean and consercative Christian and I have a history. I had multiple boyfriends, I screwed around, I drank.  He wasn't involved in all that. How do I ever measure up to that kind of standard?  How do I undo what was done? Their family is all so conservative and I know they don't approve of certain things about me. Do I change that to become fully approved of? Do I pretend to hold up to this impossible standard? Sometimes I find the world of Christians to be incredibly stifling and judgemental. I'm a screw up, can't we all accept that!? But at the same time there's so much my kids don't know. They don't know the pain and misery I went through from not living the life I was supposed to. How do I ever tell them? Do I ever tell them? These are all questions that regularly go through my head and I continue to not have the answer to. See life is messy sometimes. We don't have the answers to everything all the time. We somehow survive it though and for the most part move forward. That's all we can really do. Make the best of it.

The Other Woman

Well it seems I have survived a weekend of responsibility and ilness. While the whole concept of a weekend away seems fun and relaxing that is hardly the spin my neurotic levels of anxiety decided to create for me. You see I have a problem. Sure there are plenty of experiences and growth periods that I have planned for the group but with that comes my anxiety. It seems to be at an extremely unhealthy level. I can go from zero to gastritis in about two days. While I continue to disapprove and hate this relationship I have with stress, I can't seem to let it go. I have some horrible addiction to it like a man with a manipulative and controlling woman. Yes, it seems my stress is a woman. They tend to be the emotional and irrational ones. She comes in while I'm happily planning something and begins to whisper horrible things in my ear. The million things I forgot to do, the various loopholes I left open for Scott to stab me in the back, the amount of money I continue to not have to make things happen. She continues to spin all these horrible thoughts until I'm trapped within my own mind stuck with a racing heart, excessive amounts of adrenaline, and a terrible feeling In my stomach of having eaten an entire boulder. Then sets in the gastritis, a horrible feeling of being insanely full, in pain, and hungry at the same time. This then leads to the stupid diet and antacids, which in turn makes me more stressed. I find myself in a viscous circle that all started from a thrilling and exciting idea of planning another event. I suppose the moral of the story is that all  moments of excitement are eventually followed by anxiety. The trick is to come prepared.

And Pause

It seems I continue to be off to a rocky start. Often times we start off we these ambitious goals and then life and laziness set in and restrict that goal. I can sit here and blame it on being exhausted from the lock in and follow that up with getting sick, but the reality is that it's been a bland week. I've been too lazy to come up with something thrilling to write. Sometimes life is bland and mondaine and sometimes that's a good thing. We all need a break from time to time. Being sick has it's perks such as being justified in staying in your pajamas all day or soaking up the latest reruns of the Gilmore Girls. It's good to know there's an end to it too though. That is hardly an existence. So as I am finally on the mend (I hope) I can look forward  to a weekend in the mountains with some of my friends. Because while a break is nice, the real thrill is ministry and time with my friends. Time to get planning.

Out of The Ashes We Rise

I've come to a place where I've lost two of my closest friends in the last year. This isn't the same as the losses I've had from my friends living out of town.  Now two people in an entire year doesn't seem like much and to be honest it normally isn't. Through everyday life we slowly see people come and go as we become too busy to maintain our social life and our responsibilities at the same time. The losses here though are quite different. You see, these were two of my best friends.  Often times I mostly feel  and show anger towards the entire situation but the reality is, losing a friend hurts. In both cases I feel the deepest forms of betrayal. How could they do that to me? I still don't have that answer. The first friend I had actually had for 8 years now. I told her everything and we always had crazy adventures together. However, I came to realize through incredibly negative situations  that she found guys and money more important to her. I was simply a wallet for her, a chance to live adventurously on the cheap. Although to be fair, I'm not the only one she's been using. She still has quite a following of poor fools who continue to support her in her scam. But then another truth emerged. I was also someone who could introduce her to American men and therefore citizenship. I'm glad to be rid of her now and be set free of the burden of her friendship. However, she did use to be a really good friend before she took this turn and that's what hurts the most. The loss of the good experiences. My other friend I have had for 4 years. He was also someone I told everything to and bounced ideas off of. He was a real spiritual leader in my life. That's what I miss the most. The way he so deeply grew my walk through that friendship. Last fall though, he transformed into the cruelest of friends as he continually ripped into me about every deep flaw and insecurity I had. Alcohol. It brings out the worst in people sometimes. The damage was done and there was no recovering the friendship, not that he ever hoped to. While I wish I had my old friend back, the one I know he really is, I fear this terror is who he is now. Life changes people. I've been dealing with these losses and often in the least effective ways. There will probably be a part of me that misses them for a long time but that's part of life. I know that my friendships have been trimmed pretty far back but it's just now starting to blossom again. Destructive friends begin to be replaced with new ones and life begins again. I've started to restructure who I'm talking to and surrounded with and it seems to be for the better. I'm starting to live and breathe again. You see, the greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. (Tupac)

Let it Glow, Let it Glow, Let it Glow

Well it seems I've finally made it past this weekend. The lock in arrived and I managed to survive. Barely. I spent most of the week painstakingly cutting out small neon foam shapes and painting them so that the sanctuary would be transformed into a black light party. While it was tedious, most of the frustration was worrying that it simply wouldn't be enough for such a large spanse. However, Thursday night I went to the church hoping that my decorations would be enough. At 3am, nine hours later, I was finally able to leave the church knowing that my work was almost done. Friday, I awoke with a jolt as I remembered all the things that still needed to be done. I got to work with the help of Sarah and we miraculously got done just as the kids arrived. After lots of pizza, cookies, a message, and face paint the kids were able to go inside. The kids were crazed as they ran around looking for their first game station, hoping their team would win. The underdogs won and we moved on to some group games and an all out glowsticks war. Once the kids has sufficiently worn themselves out, we watched movies for the rest of the night. Most of the kids held strong and stayed awake until 4-5am if not all night. After cleaning up in what I can only describe as a fog, I was finally able to head home. Though admittedly, I fell asleep in the shower for a moment and I felt like I was coming down from some horrible high, I knew it all was a job well done. I have finally paved the way. It may seem a small step but for our youth group it was nothing short of a leap. While a lock in tends to be a youth group staple, we never had one. You  see, a normal and functioning youth group should have different activities throughout the year for the kids.  However, these kids haven't experienced that and after about 8 years of fighting, I've finally won. Teenagers are at a horrifying age where their emotions are constantly threatening to destroy them  and sometimes nearly do. They are at a make it or break it point and in the state of this world, they need somewhere to turn and know they are loved. This ultimately is the point of the events. Sure the kids have fun and soak up staying up all night and playing games but it goes beyond that. They develope safe and healthy friendships that will help them brave out the coming years as well as get mentorship on  their spiritual growth. That is the real point of a lock in. Yes the hours are long, you spend the day before getting everything ready and are exhausted before the event starts. There will always be that one kid you want to deck, and  the event never goes quite as planned, but at the end of it all you'll hear the kids chattering in excitement about it and you'll know it was all worth it.  I was so happy to hear the kids talking this morning about their favorite parts and different little happenings, until I heard the dreaded sentence..... You should do another lock in for November!

By George I've Done It!

Well it seems like crunch week has arrived. Our black light lock in is on Friday already. To be honest I've been in a bit of a panic. I need this to succeed. I don't want to open the door for backlash when I've fought so hard to get this position in leadership. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who cares about these kids and I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should feel like I can trust the pastors and right now I can't. Thus my added tension to this event. It feels like every step of the way has been an obstacle. I've pushed through though because I am determined to succeed. I've spent the last few weeks painting huge murals and posters to transform our sanctuary into something exciting. Sometimes I still doubt if I've achieved that but I can still hope. There are now disco lights, lasers, fog machines, tons of black lights, and lots of neon decorations. We finalized our food, figured out what games and challenges, set up a lively playlist, and pick appropriate movies. Overall I think we've done it.  Now to decide how I want to get decked out for this....  I'm thinking maybe some glow tribal face paint.

The Ball's In The Wrong Court

Well yesterday was another "New Beginning" for me. I tried playing tennis for the first time. See, this has been something I've wanted to learn for a long time now but was never really given the opportunity.  An old friend from high school invited me to come play.  I was  of course elated to finally have my opportunity yet afraid it might be more than I bargained for.  However , I threw on my running shoes and begrudgingly  strapped on my knee brace. When I got there I was relieved to see his family was the only occupants there to see my disasterous playing. Once on the court I was given some easy shots to get used to the length of the racket and the foreign swinging motion. I faithfully missed most of my "easy hits" and continued to try to play with way too much madminton form. I was slowly able to break away from the  habits  formed from years with a net above the ground and actually had a few volleys going. (Whatever the tennis version is...). While it was a lot of fun, I certainly have a long way to go before I would be a fun partner to play with. I somehow managed to smack the  ball into the court to our right more than the court we were actually playing in but I will have you know, I rocked that court! After about an hour, we were too hot and tired to play anymore and moved onto the pool. There are some days where the pool is the most refreshing feeling in the world. Slowly dipping into that cool water and feeling it wash away the tension was exactly what I needed. Overall I think the afternoon was something I want to continue to experience. I may not be the best tennis player but if you want to play me in the court to the right, we may have a good game going.

New Beginnings

It seems that I haven't done blogging or journaling in around 3 or 4 years. I suppose the time has come for me to return to my roots. I looked at my blog from that time. It all seems so far away and magical, like I used to live in a dream of adventures and experiences. Yet today I sit in my childhood home and wonder where it all went. How did I end up wrapped up in the mundane and let those years slip by? I don't have the answer to that but it seems now is the time for me to climb back out of the fog that consumed me for so long and go back to my natural state. Things have changed a bit in those years. For starters my weight, it seems that in my fog I started a new collection... Of pounds. Suddenly I have an adults metabolism and build, much to my frustration. Why can't I still eat ice cream every night before bed? Adulthood. I also lived in Florida for a short while and while it was an amazing experience, California still had it's hold on me. I eventually went back to school and got my Pharmacy Tech Certification. Technically I'm allowed to go by Teresa Correa CPhT now. Though I find it a bit formal and ridiculous. Lastly, and probably the biggest change I've experienced was getting in a long term relationship. To be honest, that was never my style and it still scares me from time to time. Before this my longest relationship was 4 months before I lost interest and moved on. I suppose it's true that it just takes the right person for you to settle down. I never thought I would be where I am but it seems to work. There are still plenty of dreams welled up inside of me but I know that with time some of those can and will come true. However, for the time being I will fill my  day with deep cleaning the house and expanding  myself with plenty of reading. I guess this pause while I wait for my license to process will be a good thing. I probably won't get another pause like this again and it's given me time to rest, grow, and work on things for the youth. So for now, I wait.