And Then It Begins

There's a lot that goes on in the slow passing of a loved one. There's the long days after the sleepless nights wondering when it's going to happen. You want them to pass for their sake. You don't want them to suffer any longer but at the same time you are selfishly wishing them to stay on this earth. You can't stand to see them lay in misery. You look at this strange shell that you know isn't them. Like they aren't really there. Somehow moments happen though where they actually respond to what you're saying. You know they actually hear you. What do you say to someone who isn't fully there anymore? Do you work on making your peace with them? Do you remind them of funny moments you had together? What will you regret not telling them? What can you possibly say to the family who is definitely feeling it far worse than you ever could be? I try to be here and available for the family but I know it will never be enough. It will never take away their pain. It will never bring their mother back. I will never be able to be what they need. I know that they need the little I can give them though and so it'll have to be enough for now. I experienced several deaths of loved ones but this is the first time I've been around for it. I always grieved at home. This is so much worse. This prolonged torture constantly wishing she would just stop fighting. That she would just give up and stop breathing. I will know I was there though for the most glorious moment of her life. The moment it ends. And then it begins.

And So I Return

It seems I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy making scarves for the last two weeks. Seems blogging is difficult to do when my hands are full of yarn and needles. However, it's a price I'm willing to pay since it's paying towards my upcoming trip. I've been asked to return to Russia this spring and I couldn't be happier. There are times when it's hard. It's going to be hard to leave Josh for so long. Hard knowing I have lost guys in the past over it. I know that if it's right though, it will last. So much of the time I still can't believe this is happening. That I'm actually going back. It's been a long time. I know that the Moscow I remember from 4 years ago won't be the same. There has been so much change and growth. The skylines I see online now aren't ones I recognize. I know though that this is a place that will always hold a part of me. That connection still remains. I still dream in runglish after all these years. It's ingrained so deeply that there are times I only remember the Russian word and not English. This is quite the feat considering my subpar Russian. Once again though it is time to return to the motherland.  Скоро Рассия любов моя.