Out of The Ashes We Rise

I've come to a place where I've lost two of my closest friends in the last year. This isn't the same as the losses I've had from my friends living out of town.  Now two people in an entire year doesn't seem like much and to be honest it normally isn't. Through everyday life we slowly see people come and go as we become too busy to maintain our social life and our responsibilities at the same time. The losses here though are quite different. You see, these were two of my best friends.  Often times I mostly feel  and show anger towards the entire situation but the reality is, losing a friend hurts. In both cases I feel the deepest forms of betrayal. How could they do that to me? I still don't have that answer. The first friend I had actually had for 8 years now. I told her everything and we always had crazy adventures together. However, I came to realize through incredibly negative situations  that she found guys and money more important to her. I was simply a wallet for her, a chance to live adventurously on the cheap. Although to be fair, I'm not the only one she's been using. She still has quite a following of poor fools who continue to support her in her scam. But then another truth emerged. I was also someone who could introduce her to American men and therefore citizenship. I'm glad to be rid of her now and be set free of the burden of her friendship. However, she did use to be a really good friend before she took this turn and that's what hurts the most. The loss of the good experiences. My other friend I have had for 4 years. He was also someone I told everything to and bounced ideas off of. He was a real spiritual leader in my life. That's what I miss the most. The way he so deeply grew my walk through that friendship. Last fall though, he transformed into the cruelest of friends as he continually ripped into me about every deep flaw and insecurity I had. Alcohol. It brings out the worst in people sometimes. The damage was done and there was no recovering the friendship, not that he ever hoped to. While I wish I had my old friend back, the one I know he really is, I fear this terror is who he is now. Life changes people. I've been dealing with these losses and often in the least effective ways. There will probably be a part of me that misses them for a long time but that's part of life. I know that my friendships have been trimmed pretty far back but it's just now starting to blossom again. Destructive friends begin to be replaced with new ones and life begins again. I've started to restructure who I'm talking to and surrounded with and it seems to be for the better. I'm starting to live and breathe again. You see, the greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. (Tupac)