Angry and Aggressive

Aggression. I've been accused of it on multiple occasions. Why are you so angry? Why are you so aggressive? You. The answer is you. I've been told it's common for short people to be extra aggressive to compensate for their size. A Napoleon complex if you will. The truth is I wasn't always this way. I was optimistic and believing as kid. Even into my early 20s for the most part. I always tried to be nice and calm with people first. To simply reason with them. However, after years of being picked on, not listened to, and pushed aside; I've begun to push back. I am actually a rational and calm person by nature, contrary to what people probably believe. They only see the end result when I've taken all I'm going to take and I fly into a rage. One of my primary triggers is actually the church. See, I've been a leader for about 9 years now. For about 9 years I haven't been listened to. Perhaps I was listened to but not acted upon because of my age. "Let no one despise you for your youth." I was in my early 20s, how much could I possibly know? I know a lot more than you may think. All those years I was closely watching, observing everything. I knew every kids triggers, their enemies, friends, how their parents work with the church, when something in their eyes said they weren't quite right, even down to where each of their belongings were at camp. I observed. I observed my superiors as well. Each situation that came around, each comment they reacted to, each frustration, I knew how they worked and how to portray things to them. I knew how to reason with them, which I only used when I saw a problem. Maybe it really was my height that was working against me. Maybe it was causing people to forget that I wasn't a child anymore. I was certainly treated as one. I was burnt out. I had worked years to gather respect. To only bring the leadership problems if I wasn't sure what to do about them. I took all the hits. Ever notice how it's been easier for you over the years? Seemed mostly calm? That was all me. The problem was that every time a problem was brought to them, it was already to the point where things needed to be dealt with. They never see the build up. Then nothing is done. Maybe I was able to reason with them and show them a problem but there was never any action. Just ignoring of problems. Over and over and over again. I had enough. I started fighting. I fought back mildly at first assuming that their avoidance of conflict would be enough to cause action. I was wrong. I fought harder. Suddenly a couple things got done. Clearly this was the only way to force necessary activity. I don't fight against something hard unless I truly believe with all of me that it's a serious issue. I would think that would be communicated by now. No.  Now I am an aggressive. Angry. Concerning and scary  threat that needs to be brought under control. I tried to work with you calmly and you won't do your jobs and do what's best for these kids. So what's the problem? You. You brought this war on yourselves. I don't want to fight and I'm tired. You people wear me out. If problems were ever dealt with correctly the first time, maybe neither of us would be in the spots we're in now. Because now, now, I am angry and aggressive and I can't turn it off. And it's all still aimed at you.