No One

For many people it’s not worth their while to hide everything they’re dealing with. For others, they use everything they have in them to keep people from noticing. I’m the second. I grew up in an environment where I mostly had to raise myself. I had to be self sufficient at a very early age. My sister had pretty severe learning disabilities and a serious mental disorder. My parents had their hands full trying to take care of her. So I was mostly left to figure this out for myself. I learned quickly not to be an extra burden and to keep my problems to myself. I don’t blame my parents, they did what they had to do. Somewhere along the lines I took this mindset too seriously. I can not burden others with my problems. I need to be the strong one. Always ready to help others. I learned how to turn off my own emotions and my own needs for whatever I perceived as the greater good at the moment. What was once a coping skill and a defense against my situation, soon became a serious hinderance. I don’t know how to depend on anyone else. I don’t know how to not be guarded. Every time I’ve been open and honest, I’ve been burned. I survived my childhood mostly on my own,  I can survive adulthood the same way. I know I can get myself trough most things. What happens when I’m too burned out to be strong? What happens when I’m the one who needs help? Where do I turn to? Who can I really trust? No one. I am alone.