A New Slate

Well it seems this year has come to an end. While there have been some really hard times, there have been some really good times as well. The end of the year has brought the unexpected. It has been incredibly difficult to lose Denise. She was a fixture in my life since I was born. Being there for the actual passing was something I never wanted to experience but I knew I was called to be there for Jeni. In the end it did cause something that I know Denise would be happy to see. I reunited with an old friend. We were close as small kids and not so much in high school. I think she thought I was a total dork, which in fact, was true. Then we didn't talk after we graduated. All of this caused my calling to feel all the more strange. I know I made the right decision though in running to the side of someone I hadn't been close to in almost 10 years. Hopefully it will develope a new lasting friendship, which we all know I need. Today was our first time hanging out just us and it seems to have gone pretty well. The other unusual event for today was that when I got out of my bed and looked out the window of my sunny Southern California home, I saw snow. Yes snow. There was no explaining the strange phenomenon but it was kind of fun to have such a change. It was a blast from the past. It brought back memories of waking up in my Moscow flat, turning on the kettle for tea, and then walking to the metro in the latest dusting of snow from the night. It was an unusual way to end the year but I wouldn't have it any other way. We got a clean slate and are able to start the new year fresh and white as snow.

Only Trying To Function

I suppose I haven't updated in a while. Almost a month actually. There's probably things that are in my mind lately that I could get out but I think mostly I've chosen not to feel. Gone to a certain level of defense. A couple of days ago, I was watching tv and one of the characters died. Now it was a male and he died in a car crash. Both of which aren't applicable to my situation. However, that simple episode was more than I could bare. I couldn't handle the sight of someone dying even if it was fake. It was too close to home. To fresh.  I attended the funeral about a week or two ago. There was a great turn out. The mass amounts of people I always knew she would attract. It was a relief to see that. To know that all those people she reached out to were still there. They were still affected by her. It's good to know that people cared. I was able to be there for her oldest daughter that I've known my whole life. I was there when she actually passed. I do not regret that.  I know that Jeni needed me there. However, I can't forget the misery and torture that whole experience was. Always knowing that it wasn't a peaceful passing. Even now it's hard to talk about and not break down. I've lost several people just in the second half of this year and I'm worn out. I'm at a place where I don't want to bond with new people and open myself up to that pain again. I suppose I have to eventually. For now though , I will dive whole heartedly into the lock in and other events. I will hold onto the distraction and hope that I will eventually feel and function again.

And Then It Begins

There's a lot that goes on in the slow passing of a loved one. There's the long days after the sleepless nights wondering when it's going to happen. You want them to pass for their sake. You don't want them to suffer any longer but at the same time you are selfishly wishing them to stay on this earth. You can't stand to see them lay in misery. You look at this strange shell that you know isn't them. Like they aren't really there. Somehow moments happen though where they actually respond to what you're saying. You know they actually hear you. What do you say to someone who isn't fully there anymore? Do you work on making your peace with them? Do you remind them of funny moments you had together? What will you regret not telling them? What can you possibly say to the family who is definitely feeling it far worse than you ever could be? I try to be here and available for the family but I know it will never be enough. It will never take away their pain. It will never bring their mother back. I will never be able to be what they need. I know that they need the little I can give them though and so it'll have to be enough for now. I experienced several deaths of loved ones but this is the first time I've been around for it. I always grieved at home. This is so much worse. This prolonged torture constantly wishing she would just stop fighting. That she would just give up and stop breathing. I will know I was there though for the most glorious moment of her life. The moment it ends. And then it begins.

And So I Return

It seems I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy making scarves for the last two weeks. Seems blogging is difficult to do when my hands are full of yarn and needles. However, it's a price I'm willing to pay since it's paying towards my upcoming trip. I've been asked to return to Russia this spring and I couldn't be happier. There are times when it's hard. It's going to be hard to leave Josh for so long. Hard knowing I have lost guys in the past over it. I know that if it's right though, it will last. So much of the time I still can't believe this is happening. That I'm actually going back. It's been a long time. I know that the Moscow I remember from 4 years ago won't be the same. There has been so much change and growth. The skylines I see online now aren't ones I recognize. I know though that this is a place that will always hold a part of me. That connection still remains. I still dream in runglish after all these years. It's ingrained so deeply that there are times I only remember the Russian word and not English. This is quite the feat considering my subpar Russian. Once again though it is time to return to the motherland.  Скоро Рассия любов моя.

Opinions

I've come to the realization that you're never immune to the things people think about you. Sure you grow older and opinions begin to fade away, but they never disappear. Sometimes I look at my boyfriend. He's so clean and consercative Christian and I have a history. I had multiple boyfriends, I screwed around, I drank.  He wasn't involved in all that. How do I ever measure up to that kind of standard?  How do I undo what was done? Their family is all so conservative and I know they don't approve of certain things about me. Do I change that to become fully approved of? Do I pretend to hold up to this impossible standard? Sometimes I find the world of Christians to be incredibly stifling and judgemental. I'm a screw up, can't we all accept that!? But at the same time there's so much my kids don't know. They don't know the pain and misery I went through from not living the life I was supposed to. How do I ever tell them? Do I ever tell them? These are all questions that regularly go through my head and I continue to not have the answer to. See life is messy sometimes. We don't have the answers to everything all the time. We somehow survive it though and for the most part move forward. That's all we can really do. Make the best of it.

The Other Woman

Well it seems I have survived a weekend of responsibility and ilness. While the whole concept of a weekend away seems fun and relaxing that is hardly the spin my neurotic levels of anxiety decided to create for me. You see I have a problem. Sure there are plenty of experiences and growth periods that I have planned for the group but with that comes my anxiety. It seems to be at an extremely unhealthy level. I can go from zero to gastritis in about two days. While I continue to disapprove and hate this relationship I have with stress, I can't seem to let it go. I have some horrible addiction to it like a man with a manipulative and controlling woman. Yes, it seems my stress is a woman. They tend to be the emotional and irrational ones. She comes in while I'm happily planning something and begins to whisper horrible things in my ear. The million things I forgot to do, the various loopholes I left open for Scott to stab me in the back, the amount of money I continue to not have to make things happen. She continues to spin all these horrible thoughts until I'm trapped within my own mind stuck with a racing heart, excessive amounts of adrenaline, and a terrible feeling In my stomach of having eaten an entire boulder. Then sets in the gastritis, a horrible feeling of being insanely full, in pain, and hungry at the same time. This then leads to the stupid diet and antacids, which in turn makes me more stressed. I find myself in a viscous circle that all started from a thrilling and exciting idea of planning another event. I suppose the moral of the story is that all  moments of excitement are eventually followed by anxiety. The trick is to come prepared.

And Pause

It seems I continue to be off to a rocky start. Often times we start off we these ambitious goals and then life and laziness set in and restrict that goal. I can sit here and blame it on being exhausted from the lock in and follow that up with getting sick, but the reality is that it's been a bland week. I've been too lazy to come up with something thrilling to write. Sometimes life is bland and mondaine and sometimes that's a good thing. We all need a break from time to time. Being sick has it's perks such as being justified in staying in your pajamas all day or soaking up the latest reruns of the Gilmore Girls. It's good to know there's an end to it too though. That is hardly an existence. So as I am finally on the mend (I hope) I can look forward  to a weekend in the mountains with some of my friends. Because while a break is nice, the real thrill is ministry and time with my friends. Time to get planning.