My Sandcastles Spend Their Time Collapsing

Grief is a strange thing. It comes and goes. It's like you are a sandcastle on the shore and the grief is the waves. There are times when you can see it a short distance from you. There are times when it comes in and sweeps a circle around you. Then there are the times that it comes with extra strength, and surges right over you. Suddenly you've lost some of your shape. You are a soaked pile of mud waiting for that child to turn you back into a castle again. Grief comes in waves. At times that may seem like a good thing, to have that break in between the rounds. However, they are most deadly when there's been a decent calm before. The wave has had time to build strength and you had forgotten about it's existence while it left you alone for the moment. But grief is never gone. It lurkes and waits for those opportune moments. However , just like a storm, it will slowly lose strength. The waves will become farther apart. They will become smaller and smaller until finally the glassy finish of the bay has returned. So I wait. For the calm after the storm.

Angry and Aggressive

Aggression. I've been accused of it on multiple occasions. Why are you so angry? Why are you so aggressive? You. The answer is you. I've been told it's common for short people to be extra aggressive to compensate for their size. A Napoleon complex if you will. The truth is I wasn't always this way. I was optimistic and believing as kid. Even into my early 20s for the most part. I always tried to be nice and calm with people first. To simply reason with them. However, after years of being picked on, not listened to, and pushed aside; I've begun to push back. I am actually a rational and calm person by nature, contrary to what people probably believe. They only see the end result when I've taken all I'm going to take and I fly into a rage. One of my primary triggers is actually the church. See, I've been a leader for about 9 years now. For about 9 years I haven't been listened to. Perhaps I was listened to but not acted upon because of my age. "Let no one despise you for your youth." I was in my early 20s, how much could I possibly know? I know a lot more than you may think. All those years I was closely watching, observing everything. I knew every kids triggers, their enemies, friends, how their parents work with the church, when something in their eyes said they weren't quite right, even down to where each of their belongings were at camp. I observed. I observed my superiors as well. Each situation that came around, each comment they reacted to, each frustration, I knew how they worked and how to portray things to them. I knew how to reason with them, which I only used when I saw a problem. Maybe it really was my height that was working against me. Maybe it was causing people to forget that I wasn't a child anymore. I was certainly treated as one. I was burnt out. I had worked years to gather respect. To only bring the leadership problems if I wasn't sure what to do about them. I took all the hits. Ever notice how it's been easier for you over the years? Seemed mostly calm? That was all me. The problem was that every time a problem was brought to them, it was already to the point where things needed to be dealt with. They never see the build up. Then nothing is done. Maybe I was able to reason with them and show them a problem but there was never any action. Just ignoring of problems. Over and over and over again. I had enough. I started fighting. I fought back mildly at first assuming that their avoidance of conflict would be enough to cause action. I was wrong. I fought harder. Suddenly a couple things got done. Clearly this was the only way to force necessary activity. I don't fight against something hard unless I truly believe with all of me that it's a serious issue. I would think that would be communicated by now. No.  Now I am an aggressive. Angry. Concerning and scary  threat that needs to be brought under control. I tried to work with you calmly and you won't do your jobs and do what's best for these kids. So what's the problem? You. You brought this war on yourselves. I don't want to fight and I'm tired. You people wear me out. If problems were ever dealt with correctly the first time, maybe neither of us would be in the spots we're in now. Because now, now, I am angry and aggressive and I can't turn it off. And it's all still aimed at you.

The Electric Chair

The church. It continually amazes me the complexities of politics and drama that people deem acceptable. Sometimes I long for the days when I was still wide eyed and believing. The reality is that behind the curtain you see a small man controlling the contraption and pretending to be Oz. There is no wonderfully perfect pastor running things. There is no glamorous church. There is simply a mess of people trying to run an organization and often failing. When I was younger I watched church split after church split. I saw multiple leaders leave angry and never look back. I couldn't understand how this could be happening. How could there be so much betrayal of my pastor? Now I'm one of those leaders. I now work behind the curtain. I can't say I admire what I see. I am the events coordinator and have been successful in my endeavors. However, I still do not gain the support of my superiors. False promises to have my back flow out like lava; attractive to look at but painful to the touch. Those moments that I do have support aren't even true because they don't even agree with me. I have come to the point where most of the time I don't want to see anymore. Don't want to be involved. There has to be more somewhere else. Somewhere that I can still help the youth and not be continually undermined by the staff. I've been very serious about leaving the last year. Hoping to break free of my prison. However the youth, my kids, keep my butt and my heart glued to my electric chair.

A New Slate

Well it seems this year has come to an end. While there have been some really hard times, there have been some really good times as well. The end of the year has brought the unexpected. It has been incredibly difficult to lose Denise. She was a fixture in my life since I was born. Being there for the actual passing was something I never wanted to experience but I knew I was called to be there for Jeni. In the end it did cause something that I know Denise would be happy to see. I reunited with an old friend. We were close as small kids and not so much in high school. I think she thought I was a total dork, which in fact, was true. Then we didn't talk after we graduated. All of this caused my calling to feel all the more strange. I know I made the right decision though in running to the side of someone I hadn't been close to in almost 10 years. Hopefully it will develope a new lasting friendship, which we all know I need. Today was our first time hanging out just us and it seems to have gone pretty well. The other unusual event for today was that when I got out of my bed and looked out the window of my sunny Southern California home, I saw snow. Yes snow. There was no explaining the strange phenomenon but it was kind of fun to have such a change. It was a blast from the past. It brought back memories of waking up in my Moscow flat, turning on the kettle for tea, and then walking to the metro in the latest dusting of snow from the night. It was an unusual way to end the year but I wouldn't have it any other way. We got a clean slate and are able to start the new year fresh and white as snow.

Only Trying To Function

I suppose I haven't updated in a while. Almost a month actually. There's probably things that are in my mind lately that I could get out but I think mostly I've chosen not to feel. Gone to a certain level of defense. A couple of days ago, I was watching tv and one of the characters died. Now it was a male and he died in a car crash. Both of which aren't applicable to my situation. However, that simple episode was more than I could bare. I couldn't handle the sight of someone dying even if it was fake. It was too close to home. To fresh.  I attended the funeral about a week or two ago. There was a great turn out. The mass amounts of people I always knew she would attract. It was a relief to see that. To know that all those people she reached out to were still there. They were still affected by her. It's good to know that people cared. I was able to be there for her oldest daughter that I've known my whole life. I was there when she actually passed. I do not regret that.  I know that Jeni needed me there. However, I can't forget the misery and torture that whole experience was. Always knowing that it wasn't a peaceful passing. Even now it's hard to talk about and not break down. I've lost several people just in the second half of this year and I'm worn out. I'm at a place where I don't want to bond with new people and open myself up to that pain again. I suppose I have to eventually. For now though , I will dive whole heartedly into the lock in and other events. I will hold onto the distraction and hope that I will eventually feel and function again.

And Then It Begins

There's a lot that goes on in the slow passing of a loved one. There's the long days after the sleepless nights wondering when it's going to happen. You want them to pass for their sake. You don't want them to suffer any longer but at the same time you are selfishly wishing them to stay on this earth. You can't stand to see them lay in misery. You look at this strange shell that you know isn't them. Like they aren't really there. Somehow moments happen though where they actually respond to what you're saying. You know they actually hear you. What do you say to someone who isn't fully there anymore? Do you work on making your peace with them? Do you remind them of funny moments you had together? What will you regret not telling them? What can you possibly say to the family who is definitely feeling it far worse than you ever could be? I try to be here and available for the family but I know it will never be enough. It will never take away their pain. It will never bring their mother back. I will never be able to be what they need. I know that they need the little I can give them though and so it'll have to be enough for now. I experienced several deaths of loved ones but this is the first time I've been around for it. I always grieved at home. This is so much worse. This prolonged torture constantly wishing she would just stop fighting. That she would just give up and stop breathing. I will know I was there though for the most glorious moment of her life. The moment it ends. And then it begins.

And So I Return

It seems I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy making scarves for the last two weeks. Seems blogging is difficult to do when my hands are full of yarn and needles. However, it's a price I'm willing to pay since it's paying towards my upcoming trip. I've been asked to return to Russia this spring and I couldn't be happier. There are times when it's hard. It's going to be hard to leave Josh for so long. Hard knowing I have lost guys in the past over it. I know that if it's right though, it will last. So much of the time I still can't believe this is happening. That I'm actually going back. It's been a long time. I know that the Moscow I remember from 4 years ago won't be the same. There has been so much change and growth. The skylines I see online now aren't ones I recognize. I know though that this is a place that will always hold a part of me. That connection still remains. I still dream in runglish after all these years. It's ingrained so deeply that there are times I only remember the Russian word and not English. This is quite the feat considering my subpar Russian. Once again though it is time to return to the motherland.  Скоро Рассия любов моя.