On Bypass

Written March 23

Russia. The motherland if you will. It is an incredibly dark and cold place. Corruptions are all around along with the depression of the youth who carry the burdens of a difficult life. It is not considered a destination spot for most Americans; snow and communism aren't desirable. Similarly the language is considered harsh or ugly. So by appearance my decision to go there is foolish, reckless even. However, there is a hunger for the truth and for deep personal relationships here that is entirely unmatched by the American population. The people are loyal, the language is vivid, the fire within them burns bright, and they are open to new experience. The winter may be cold and dark, but soon there is spring and summer filled with tulips and green trees. So people may ask why sometimes I feel that my life is on pause until I return to Russia but that's ok. You see, while in the states my body remains on bypass, a moment of rest and waiting. Then time comes to return to the motherland and the bypass is turned off and the heart begins to pump full and strong once again.

Reasons Not Included

Well yesterday the inevitable happened. I was sat down by the pastors I've slowly grown to despise and told that I needed to step down. I really appreciate the lack of reason as well. That was really helpful. Really biblical too. We all know the reason, you don't want to deal with the conflict with crazy people. Yes, clearly I am the one that needs to step down. The one who actually does her job and gives a crap about the kids. Well you got your wish dear spineless pastors, I'm gone. You will no longer have the one person fighting to keep this afloat. Do you know what happens when a youth group collapses? The church does. Enjoy your church taking another step towards the grave. You've been enjoying that downward spiral for a while. You chose an entitled problematic parent  over your leader whom you've known over 20 years. So don't sit there and continually tell me you love me. Bull crap! Actions show love not that phrase. Your actions have told me otherwise for a long time. Love is showing respect. Love is having loyalty and someone's back. Love is not flip floppig on them all the time. This? This crap that you've been showing me and putting me through? That's not love. So spare me the I love you speech because we both know it's not true. That's you saving face so that I don't go ballistic on you and start throwing the truth back in your face. You don't want the truth though you want peace. Because you don't want the truth, you don't want to see what a mess is under the rug. Because what's under the rug exposes your poor decision on the youth pastors. Well there's a mold under that rug and it's growing. You ignoring the mold just allows it to strengthen and eventually it's going to take over the house and it will be destroyed. You want to know the best part? I won't be there to take the fall for it. It will all be on you. You continually acted like I contributed nothing. Like I was always the problem. Well time will tell won't it? The truth will come out and you all will be exposed for the apathetic failures you are. Now that, that's a show I'm ready to see.

My Sandcastles Spend Their Time Collapsing

Grief is a strange thing. It comes and goes. It's like you are a sandcastle on the shore and the grief is the waves. There are times when you can see it a short distance from you. There are times when it comes in and sweeps a circle around you. Then there are the times that it comes with extra strength, and surges right over you. Suddenly you've lost some of your shape. You are a soaked pile of mud waiting for that child to turn you back into a castle again. Grief comes in waves. At times that may seem like a good thing, to have that break in between the rounds. However, they are most deadly when there's been a decent calm before. The wave has had time to build strength and you had forgotten about it's existence while it left you alone for the moment. But grief is never gone. It lurkes and waits for those opportune moments. However , just like a storm, it will slowly lose strength. The waves will become farther apart. They will become smaller and smaller until finally the glassy finish of the bay has returned. So I wait. For the calm after the storm.

Angry and Aggressive

Aggression. I've been accused of it on multiple occasions. Why are you so angry? Why are you so aggressive? You. The answer is you. I've been told it's common for short people to be extra aggressive to compensate for their size. A Napoleon complex if you will. The truth is I wasn't always this way. I was optimistic and believing as kid. Even into my early 20s for the most part. I always tried to be nice and calm with people first. To simply reason with them. However, after years of being picked on, not listened to, and pushed aside; I've begun to push back. I am actually a rational and calm person by nature, contrary to what people probably believe. They only see the end result when I've taken all I'm going to take and I fly into a rage. One of my primary triggers is actually the church. See, I've been a leader for about 9 years now. For about 9 years I haven't been listened to. Perhaps I was listened to but not acted upon because of my age. "Let no one despise you for your youth." I was in my early 20s, how much could I possibly know? I know a lot more than you may think. All those years I was closely watching, observing everything. I knew every kids triggers, their enemies, friends, how their parents work with the church, when something in their eyes said they weren't quite right, even down to where each of their belongings were at camp. I observed. I observed my superiors as well. Each situation that came around, each comment they reacted to, each frustration, I knew how they worked and how to portray things to them. I knew how to reason with them, which I only used when I saw a problem. Maybe it really was my height that was working against me. Maybe it was causing people to forget that I wasn't a child anymore. I was certainly treated as one. I was burnt out. I had worked years to gather respect. To only bring the leadership problems if I wasn't sure what to do about them. I took all the hits. Ever notice how it's been easier for you over the years? Seemed mostly calm? That was all me. The problem was that every time a problem was brought to them, it was already to the point where things needed to be dealt with. They never see the build up. Then nothing is done. Maybe I was able to reason with them and show them a problem but there was never any action. Just ignoring of problems. Over and over and over again. I had enough. I started fighting. I fought back mildly at first assuming that their avoidance of conflict would be enough to cause action. I was wrong. I fought harder. Suddenly a couple things got done. Clearly this was the only way to force necessary activity. I don't fight against something hard unless I truly believe with all of me that it's a serious issue. I would think that would be communicated by now. No.  Now I am an aggressive. Angry. Concerning and scary  threat that needs to be brought under control. I tried to work with you calmly and you won't do your jobs and do what's best for these kids. So what's the problem? You. You brought this war on yourselves. I don't want to fight and I'm tired. You people wear me out. If problems were ever dealt with correctly the first time, maybe neither of us would be in the spots we're in now. Because now, now, I am angry and aggressive and I can't turn it off. And it's all still aimed at you.

The Electric Chair

The church. It continually amazes me the complexities of politics and drama that people deem acceptable. Sometimes I long for the days when I was still wide eyed and believing. The reality is that behind the curtain you see a small man controlling the contraption and pretending to be Oz. There is no wonderfully perfect pastor running things. There is no glamorous church. There is simply a mess of people trying to run an organization and often failing. When I was younger I watched church split after church split. I saw multiple leaders leave angry and never look back. I couldn't understand how this could be happening. How could there be so much betrayal of my pastor? Now I'm one of those leaders. I now work behind the curtain. I can't say I admire what I see. I am the events coordinator and have been successful in my endeavors. However, I still do not gain the support of my superiors. False promises to have my back flow out like lava; attractive to look at but painful to the touch. Those moments that I do have support aren't even true because they don't even agree with me. I have come to the point where most of the time I don't want to see anymore. Don't want to be involved. There has to be more somewhere else. Somewhere that I can still help the youth and not be continually undermined by the staff. I've been very serious about leaving the last year. Hoping to break free of my prison. However the youth, my kids, keep my butt and my heart glued to my electric chair.

A New Slate

Well it seems this year has come to an end. While there have been some really hard times, there have been some really good times as well. The end of the year has brought the unexpected. It has been incredibly difficult to lose Denise. She was a fixture in my life since I was born. Being there for the actual passing was something I never wanted to experience but I knew I was called to be there for Jeni. In the end it did cause something that I know Denise would be happy to see. I reunited with an old friend. We were close as small kids and not so much in high school. I think she thought I was a total dork, which in fact, was true. Then we didn't talk after we graduated. All of this caused my calling to feel all the more strange. I know I made the right decision though in running to the side of someone I hadn't been close to in almost 10 years. Hopefully it will develope a new lasting friendship, which we all know I need. Today was our first time hanging out just us and it seems to have gone pretty well. The other unusual event for today was that when I got out of my bed and looked out the window of my sunny Southern California home, I saw snow. Yes snow. There was no explaining the strange phenomenon but it was kind of fun to have such a change. It was a blast from the past. It brought back memories of waking up in my Moscow flat, turning on the kettle for tea, and then walking to the metro in the latest dusting of snow from the night. It was an unusual way to end the year but I wouldn't have it any other way. We got a clean slate and are able to start the new year fresh and white as snow.

Only Trying To Function

I suppose I haven't updated in a while. Almost a month actually. There's probably things that are in my mind lately that I could get out but I think mostly I've chosen not to feel. Gone to a certain level of defense. A couple of days ago, I was watching tv and one of the characters died. Now it was a male and he died in a car crash. Both of which aren't applicable to my situation. However, that simple episode was more than I could bare. I couldn't handle the sight of someone dying even if it was fake. It was too close to home. To fresh.  I attended the funeral about a week or two ago. There was a great turn out. The mass amounts of people I always knew she would attract. It was a relief to see that. To know that all those people she reached out to were still there. They were still affected by her. It's good to know that people cared. I was able to be there for her oldest daughter that I've known my whole life. I was there when she actually passed. I do not regret that.  I know that Jeni needed me there. However, I can't forget the misery and torture that whole experience was. Always knowing that it wasn't a peaceful passing. Even now it's hard to talk about and not break down. I've lost several people just in the second half of this year and I'm worn out. I'm at a place where I don't want to bond with new people and open myself up to that pain again. I suppose I have to eventually. For now though , I will dive whole heartedly into the lock in and other events. I will hold onto the distraction and hope that I will eventually feel and function again.