My Medicated Life

   Kids have strange fears and thought processes. Almost every kid I knew growing up in California was afraid of tornados at some point. The threat of an actual tornado hitting our area being closer to zero. Some kids were afraid of dinosaurs even though they've been extinct for quite some time. Personally, I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of the rapture and all the horrible things in Revelations. I was afraid of earthquakes that they were going to crush me even though they were usually small. I was afraid of death and would lie awake at night as early as 6 or 7 years old having full blown panic attacks that I would stop breathing if I went to sleep. I am told these things are not normal. Pacing back and forth in your room and feeling like you're having a heart attack, giving yourself anxiety to the point of getting gastritis, and having adrenaline to the point of feeling like you might pass out were all part of my childhood. To me, this was normal.

   I was neurotic at best as a kid but most just perceived me as painfully shy or awkward. I didn't know how to handle a lot of things so I kept to myself and my family. As I grew older I found different coping mechanisms though most wouldn't be considered healthy. I learned to hide the anxiety and depression but I didn't deal with it. Gastritis and break outs, black out panics and blank stares. These were my adult reality when I was left to my own devices. I knew I could be anxious, my mom always said I worried a lot but the gravity of it was always lost on me. I would make it to work but anything else was too exhausting. I spent my days laying on my bed accomplishing nothing. Not having the motivation to try anything or care if I didn't. It wasn't until my last year or so that I've come to realize that these are not normal traits. There have been multiple factors over this time that have slowly made me realize that I needed to get help. Probably one of the slowest and hardest processes for me; deciding to make the appointment and talk to the doctor. Then finally swallowing that first pill.

Asthmatic Christianity

So today I relearned the meaning of the body of Christ or the church body. While I did go to church this morning, I did not stay for the lesson. It seemed my lungs were on a different schedule. I enjoyed the wonders of breathing treatments and steroids, got thoroughly pumped up. Shaking with excitement if you will. In the meantime I have a friend who's in pharmacy school and has been studying asthma specifically. So she was overjoyed to tell me what she's been learning. Things like the fact that asthma isn't actually someone not being able to inhale; it's a problem of exhaling. So CO2 remains trapped in your lungs. Over time I had forgotten that but I was able to hold onto that when Friday's original attack turned into a relapse today. A reminder to me that yes there is air in my lungs. The new information hit me as well. You see, most people don't understand that the aftermath is just as miserable as the attack. They think we get a breathing treatment, breathe better and move on with our lives. However this is not the case. After the horrible trembling finally calms and you stopped feeling quite so much like you drank a gallon of espresso shots, your body starts to return to normal. Enter: fatigue and pain. Consider how you feel after a very extensive workout, how your muscles ache and are fatigued from work they aren't used to. That is the case with asthma. When your lungs and diaphragm aren't enough to cause normal functional breathing, the surrounding muscles in your stomach, chest, neck and back have to pick up the slack. They all have to tense and relax in an unfamiliar way to force air in and out of your lungs. So your lungs, which have no pain receptors, are not the source of pain but the surrounding muscles meeting demands they aren't generally intended for.
Sometimes in life the lungs aren't  working so well. Maybe they are just worn out or feeling excessively reactive to something. They may not have pain receptors but they have other signs to tell you something is wrong. Pain among other things is a warning sign. It's not just Gods way of saying wouldn't it be fun if I created pain? It's how we know something needs help. Now each part of the body has its own particular job or function and for the most part they do it without complaint. But when something is not fully functioning because it has been injured or compromised in some way, other body parts will begin to pick up the slack. They work with the struggling organ and take on the extra burden while it heals. Sometimes it really is just the other organs who feel the strain of the new set up. Sometimes the original one aches alone. Either way, they remain a single unit and always do their best to help each other. Because the physical body truly understands what it means to be a body. It knowws no other option. It was built to work together. To always do anything necessary to thrive. The organs do not complain that the one organ is injured, they may be tired and sore from new stress but they don't quit cause they want to. They don't willingly let the other fall. You see sometimes your organs are smarter than you. They know that with one injury everything is off balance. They know they need every single one to be the fully thriving form they were meant to be. They know the affect of the entire body, to have just one small part struggle. So no, I don't think of my neck or back as important figures in my breathing processes. But sometimes even your lungs need their support to get them through a full blown attack.

Letters To Denise

I realize that I haven't posted in a while. I suppose it's been too hard to cope with. There's so many things I want to tell you about  from my trip but I know I can't. My trip was amazing. There were some hard times. It was probably one of my hardest experiences in years. I was so beyond worn out most of the trip. I know though that it was all worth it. There were kids who became saved and who's lives changed. I know that and hold onto that. Honestly, I feel like I didn't really do or accomplish a whole lot. Like everything that was done was done without my help or involvement. Maybe that's true. Maybe I could've done better. There were definitely times that I held back from not really knowing people or not knowing the system. I know next year will be better. There were a lot of cool experiences though. Like being able to answer some of Angelina's questions about Christianity, getting to spend time with amazing fellow Christians, and developing a relationship with Bryden. These are the things I want to share with you and tell you all about. I know they were the things that you lived for. Knowing that I can never tell you is probably the hardest. You were greatly missed on this trip but I know you saw from heaven and were just as excited about the salvation as I was. Love you, Teresa

It's Always Consequential

Well I've been back in Saint Petersburg for about three days now. I can't say that I have concrete answers to the questions in my mind but I still feel right about being here. Igor came and picked me up on Tuesday night and brought me to Elena's flat. I was so relieved when I got here. Wednesday was a day of rest and recovery. I was able to just sleep and then listen to worship for the day. So refreshing and I felt like myself again. The life was breathed back into me. Afterwards I was able to go to Dima's for a home study. It's cool to know that despite the language differences and cultural differences, you can always have a bond with others in the body. It was also a lot of fun to shock Daniel. He thought I was back in America and yet he stepped out of his bedroom and there I was. It was a great study time and I was reminded of a lot of truths. I walked back with one of the girls and enjoyed spending some time with Elena in her flat. Yesterday was also really nice. I was able to spend some time with Anya and we walked around downtown. I finally saw the church of spilled blood, the park, rabbit island, and back to the hermitage. It was a really pleasant walk and there was so much good discussion. She actually knew my church in Moscow, I couldn't believe it! After Anya I met with Angelina. We went searching for the mysterious carls jr and finally gave up and went to some soviet cafe. I can't say that on the surface we did anything special but it was time well spent. She is a brand new Christian and it was so cool to be able to answer some of her questions and share with her. I hope to be able to develop this relationship further. Who knows, maybe I came back to St Pete just for last night. Just to create a bond with a young russian girl. Sometimes our callings are incredibly exciting and sometimes they seem inconsequential. However, if it's Gods calling and He ordained it, it's always consequential. The human world doesn't always show the magnitude of our decisions in the spiritual world. I may never know for sure if she is why I came back or not but I'm glad for the opportunity either way. Tonight I will go to an Easter play with some of the students. Most of them don't know I'm here which will be fun. I'm excited to see how the kids respond to the play, it's another opportunity to open up with them and have them do the same. Prayers for tonight and tomorrow will be appreciated. It's another opportunity for movement and growth but with that comes warfare. Pray for protection for us but also openness and a willing heart in the kids.

God of This City

The city continues to amaze me. I can't even wrap my mind around it. There is so much beauty in the architecture and the people are much more kind. Sometimes I wonder if the people who live here see it too. I assume it's something like the ocean for us. The beach is beautiful and fun but it's average and everyday for me. The Russians come out and are amazed by it. They can't peel their eyes away and yet I find it commonplace. It's probably the same for the Russians here. I see the Italian style architecture and am amazed. I see incredible cathedrals and can't image having a church that was that beautiful. We become accustomed to whatever is right around us. But for now, Saint Petersburg is anything but commonplace for me.  The same applies to the spiritual world. The fight is strong in this place. We become immune to the battles around us sometimes.  I know that often we don't feel anything in our hometown. We are used to our own specific battles. However, to walk into someone else's is always eye opening. Saint Pete is an incredibly dark city. I'm not sure of what the specific reason is but it's palpable. I've experienced some of the strongest warfare here. There is a part of me that hates that fact but I know that there is only warfare when there is a fight. If you've already surrendered, the enemy won't bother trying to destroy you. You send your strongest and sneakiest men to your weakest points. You fight the most fiercely when you fear demise. I believe that is the case in this city. There is movement and growth that is happening and gaining strength and it's rippling through the forces. There is no amount of ambush, terrorizing, and demoralizing that can possibly stop the strength and desires of God. He is the God of this city and will continue to be even in the midst of the darkness.  "Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city. "

A Life Devoted

     Well I arrived in Saint Petersburg last night. Today is my first full day back. I can't even express the level of relief I feel. I feel like I can finally breathe again. That I was in a constant state of drowning and struggling while I was in Moscow. I suppose it's the price of not being where you are supposed to be. I am so grateful to have been able to see my friends again but am relieved to be out of there. This trip has been the most dramatic for me in many respects. Some of my highest highs and lowest lows. Moscow literally made me feel like I was losing my mind. My emotions and thoughts were so out of control, I couldn't grasp reality. At camp I felt the sting of the loss of a friend so much stronger than I've ever experienced. To be at camp and know I can never tell her about it. To never be able to share the successes and changes in students lives literally knocks the wind out of me. There's still many days here that I try to hold back the tears as that reality strikes me again. I'm reminded of what an amazing mentor and leader she was though and it inspires me to strive to be that for these kids. She was always there, always ready to be a shoulder, always ready to bring you into her home regardless of the time. So excited to pray, read and praise with you at a moments notice. I want to be that for others. I want to be the next Denise. So I wear her necklace as a reminder of what a life devoted to others looked like.

Great Expectations

Well I have officially been in Moscow 3 days. I came with high expectations to see all my friends again and just be able to hangout. Have a carefree break after the missions trip if you will. However that isn't what I have experienced. There is something so deep within me that has just completely snapped. Moscow is no longer my home, it isn't the place I left. I am happy to see some of my friends again but I know this is no longer my place. Something so strong within me continually pulls at me while I'm here. There is a tether on my spirit and my heart that is consistently being pulled harder and harder. I can no longer stand it. I have to go back. Saint Petersburg is now my place for the next week. I will return to the call that both terrifies and thrills me. I don't know when I will fly, I don't know where I'll stay, I don't know what I'll do; but I know I need to do it. To walk into the unknown and just travel in faith is difficult for me but I'm ready to take that step. God will travel with me and He'll be waiting for me on the other side when I land.  There is so much of this whole experience and decision I don't understand. Why not Mosccow? Why can't I return to my old home and old life? Because I am not the old me. The old me is dead and gone, lost somewhere in the sea. The new me is alive and thriving  and ready to jump into the violent warfare that will most likely surround me.